Two Years Ago Today

      I always speak what is on my heart. That is just who I am. If you have lost a loved one, take your time, let the Father God bring healing no matter how long. HE is not in any hurry.

     It is two years ago today  that I stood beside my mom as she was taking her last breaths here on this earth. She was already gone, living between heaven and earth and I think more heaven at that point than earth. She has ceased to talk more than 24 hours earlier and she just laid quiet and her breathing became more shallow with the passing of time. I remember being by her side for hours and hours and I remember one of the very last conversations I had with her. I was begging her not to go. Please Mom, please Mom stay for a while, just a while. I would sit her up and try to get her to eat a bite or two and after just a few swallows, she would look at me and say "just lay me down Denise, I just want to lay down." I would lower her bed at her request and let her drift back to sleep as I stood and watched her breath.  It soon became so painfully obvious to me that my mom had chosen to leave.

     You see she had just lost her husband of 66 years just a short 72 days before. She was living with me and Dennis and on one occasion she made the statement that she never wanted to burden her children by living with them. Burden! Burden! Mother, you were never a burden. Oh there were days that I was worn to a frazzle and could hardly drag myself out of bed, but never never a burden. I had taken care of Mom and Dad for 8 years and during those years it was laughter and tears. That is just life, but never never once did I ever think in my heart that they were a burden to me. I considered it a blessing to be in the place in my life that I could give back just a minute part of what they had given me. That is what children are to do, give back when they are able. I think that many have forgotten that.

      Mom just could not go one without Dad. They were together side by side for 66 years with the exception of the years Dad spent in the war. When he was you would always find her right beside him. If he was in the computer room, that is where she was, if he was in the living room watching TV. that is where she was. Partners, Soul mates, husband and wife in the good and in the bad.   

   That early morning of September 15, 2010 sometime around 1:30 a.m. after losing her husband and being forgotten by one of her children, she slipped off into eternity. I remember the screams that were coming from my broken heart being the only sounds in the room. We were all there. I did not look at my brother Paul or brother Larry. I knew I could not bear to see their grief. I remember laying my head down on the side of her bed trying to muffle my screams. 

  I had lost my mom having not had the time to mourn for my dad. Both gone, another funeral to plan for. Another set of clothing to choose another casket spray to design. Songs to pick out, caskets to choose, plans to be made.

   I can tell you now, I did not do well. I have been missing from this blog for a long time and missing from life just as long. I have gone through emotions that I did not even had a name for. I have suffered with depression and anger and grief until I did not know if I would survive or even want to. BUT I can tell you this one thing, I was ALWAYS in touch with my Father God. There were days that I was out in my back yard screaming at HIM and venting all my hurt to HIM but I never stopped talking to HIM. You see, HE has big shoulders and HE is there to listen and understand. Too many time we are afraid to tell HIM how we feel but HE already knows so we might as well open up and let HIM begin to heal. HE is the only one that can heal the heart, the only one.

   It is two years tonight. I am not sobbing. Oh I have cried off and on a bit today and will tomorrow, but I can recall memories tonight and smile instead of crying and that is a good thing. I have had a couple of people these past two years that have helped me more than they know and of course my precious husband and son has kept a close eye on me and allowed me the space to mourn and heal. They never once told me to get over it or get on with life. They just loved me through it.

   My brother Paul has been a source of comfort even though he is not one to talk about it much. He would listen.He has always said that the death of both parents were especially hard on me because of being a caregiver and I was right in the middle of watching them die. As I look back on the two years, I think he is right. The last two years of their lives were very very traumatic for them and hard for me to watch. I tried and tried to keep them healthy and alive. That was not God's plan.

    I plan on coming back to the blog full time and talking to old freinds and making new ones. I will be sharing with you so many little stories that I am now remembering about my mom and dad. Memories that make me smile. Gone will be the posts about the sorrow and grief, for that has been replaced by beautiful memories that they left with me and the joy of just having them as my mom and dad. The Father God has replace the sobbing with great anticipation of a reunion that I feel is not far away.

 Psalm 30:5  Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. I think it is now beginning to be my morning.